It’s nap timee!💤💤 #relationship #us #111911 #me (Taken with instagram)

I hate watching my family cry. Especially those people who I thought were strong. Watching them break down before my eyes is the hardest thing in the world. My heart is broken and I’m physically & emotionally tired. I hope this end soon.

It’s so hard to lose a family member. But to see how many people they impacted is a great feeling.

Weekend was alright. Coming home was a disaster. I’m sore. But I guess it was fun.

I hate being stuck places. I just wanna go home right now.

Sometimes I feel as if there’s no such thing as experience in a relationship. You can go through dozens of different significant others and think you’re experienced within relationships, but really everyone is different. Your first relationship probably won’t be the same as your next. Different people require different needs. So even if I’ve been with this many people doesn’t mean I know what to do in my next relationship. Because the next person I fall for may be completely different from the others. Not one person is the same.

You may gain some wisdom from the experiences within the relationship like how to deal with fighting or working things out, but you’ll never truly know what to expect next within a relationship. It’s like with children. Even if you’re had this many kids doesn’t mean they’re going to be raised or come out the same.

It’s scary. I thought I’d be strong through this. I thought I’d be able to stand on my own two feet. I thought I’d be able to hold my own. But, this is my first major death in the family. I wasn’t born with my mom’s brother died of lung cancer. So my grandfather is the only person I’ve lost. And he’s was so close to me. I thought I’d be able to get through this. But it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Everyone says that time will heal it. Everyone says it’ll be okay soon. Everyone says I’ll break down. I get all of that. I know it’ll hurt. But really, all I want right now is someone to hold onto me. Someone to pick me up. Someone to just stand beside me in case I fall.

And yes, I realize I have people like that. My friends, my boyfriend, and my family. I just need a lot of reassurance right now. And it may sound selfish, but that’s really what I need. I need people around me to be happy. I need to be picked up if I fall. Because with this, I can’t do it on my own. Call me weak, if you want.

As the funeral gets closer, I get more and more upset. It’s like, at this point, I’m still in denial about the whole thing. I always go to my grandma’s house or my dad’s shop and expect him to just be sitting there like “oh, just kidding!” But that’s not what’s happening. And soon, he’ll be buried and put to rest. And then, it’ll finally sink in. I’ve lost him. Forever. No more camera man. No more sitting on his lap. No more gifts. No more love and kisses from my grandfather.

And that’s what hurts the most. Finally realizing that when you go to events, such as my brother’s graduating coming up in January, he’s not going to be there behind the camera. If he doesn’t take pictures, who will?